SEEKING BHAGAVAN
Swamy TATVABODHANANDA
Sri Ramakrishna Math [Udyan Bati], Kolkata
Mountain Path January – March 2009 issue Pps 29 – 36
I went to Ramanashraman early 1944. It happened all of a sudden after a person called Ayyappa from Ponnampet told me about the Maharshi who was known as Bhagavan Sri Ramana Maharsh. On hearing about him I was wonderstuck.
All of a sudden, even though I was studying in the ninth form, at a boarding school at Coorg, I made up my mind to leave everything, go to Ramana Maharshi and take sannyasa. Then you know what I did? That same evening I went to meet my cousin’s brother. He was the Speaker of the Legislative Assembly. I went to his home and told his wife that I needed one hundred rupees, which was a huge amount in those days. However, my father had left instructions that as he was often away on estate business, if I needed money they were to give it to me. So, without any questions, I was simply gioven the money.
Next morning I met my school friends. We were a regular group who used to save our pocket money and school fees for special purposes. I asked them to give me my portion of savings. When they enquired why I wanted it, I said “ I wont tell you now. You will come to know of it later”. I took away my money which was sixty rupees.
With 160 rupees, the next day I packed a small suitcase and set off secretly before dawn, making for Rasmanashramam, intending to take sannyasa and remain there. The idea just came to me suddenly. Outside, our gate was locked so I pushed the suitcase through, climbed over and proceeded about one kilometer to the bus stand. It was a long wait till the bus came at 6.30am, so I was able to have some tiffin and got the first seat together with another man. He asked me where I was going. I said “Ramana Maharshi Ashrama”. He asked me why I was going there. I told him openly, “To take sannyasa. Since yesterday I have been depressed and have had no peace of mind”. He was astonished to hear it
After reaching Mysore, he said, “ It is noon; come, we will have lunch,” and after we ate he paid for the food. Until then I had never accepted money from anybody. It was a question of prestige for me, for I was the son of an important person so why should I take money from others? That was my thinking. Then he persisted, telling me not to worry. When I said I would take it later he kept quiet. Then I requested him as a favour to find me lodging in Bangalore. He agreed and took me to a hotel. There, a boy and girl came to receive him, and took me to their house as well. I said to my friend,” This is not a lodge!” But he said, there was no need just for a day”. Next day he asked me whether I had seen Bangalore, to which he said “No”. He sent me sight-seeing with that boy and girl who took me in a car and showed me everything, but I missed my train. Next day, I purchased a ticket to Ramana Maharshi Ashram, i.e., to Tiruvannamalai. I had to travel by broad gauge and then meter guage and the boy warned me not to fall asleep and forget to change at Katpadi, from where I was to go stright to Tiruvannamalai.
When I reached Tiruvannamalai it was 8.30pm. Inside the Ashram gates was standing one Niranjanananda Swami, the brother of Ramana Maharshi. He who was called the Sarvadhikari. The tonga man came down and announced me, as he seemed to be well acquainted with the ashram. Then what I did was to approach and talk to him. I knew Tamil, Malayalam and Tulu because all these languages were spoken in our coffee estate. I spoke to him in English.
Naturally he waked me,” Where are you from?”
“I am from Coorg”
“What are you?”
“I am a student”
"Then you are studying!”
“Yes”
“Have you taken permission from your authorities? Have you informed your parents?’
I spoke the truth “No”. He understood everything.
“You have come all the way from Coorg!”
He seemed to have sympathy for me. Just a boy! A small boy! But he did not know I had come there to become a sadhu.
“You can stay here for three days only. Only three days.”
“I have come here to become a sadhu and reside here. I intend asking Ramana Maharsh himself,” I said.
I was then given a room. In that room there was amat and pillow. That’s all. What I had expected was something different. From Ceylon was sleeping there. I was to be his room mate.
Next day, I did not know how to wear a dhoti as we used to wear trousers and jackets at our boarding school. Everyone sitting in he hall was wearing dhoti but I wore gabardine pants with a silk shirt inserted. Ramana Maharshi had come into the hall where many people had already assembled, ladies on one side and men on the other. A tall person called Chadwick found it difficult to sit cross-legged so he had a belt around his legs. I straight away went very close to Ramana Maharshi and sat there although there was a barrier in front of him. I looked at Ramana Maharshi – he was looking at me intently. I did not speak but sat like this for a long time and then, I don’t know why, I started weeping! Tears were flowing spontaneously. My silk shirt and pants became soaked. He continued look steadily staring at me. His head was shaking ver slightly. He was sitting cross legged and wearing only a white loin-cloth, nothing else. Looking at him, I continued weeping without making any sound. Everybody was looking at me and wondering why this boy was crying. I felt shamefully embarrassed. I looked around t see what everybody else was doing. Some were looking at Ramana Maharshi. Some were meditating. Then what I did was, I too closed my eyes and started meditating. I did not know even the meaning of meditation. I was just a boy you know. I simply sat and closed my eyes to meditate. I am telling the truth. That day while sitting before him—Oh! What an inexplicable state of mind I had! I was not aware of anything at all But my state was not the state of sleep. I was I was simply sitting quietly and did not notice that all had got up and left. Then suddenly some one woke me up. I was the last person there. I went back to my room and washed my face. I had to change. My silk shirt was wet, but I changed only my pants as I had nothing else to wear. I had pajamas, but it would have been disrespectful to wear them and sit before Ramana Maharshi.
I entered the dining hall. There was a place close to Ramana Maharshi reserved for a Mouni Sadhu but how was I to know that? I went and sat there. There was a leaf plate.
Ramana Maharshi…. What happened next was very interesting. They had served rice to him. He took a little of it and placed it in my hand. I started eating. I ate sumptuously and washed my hands and went back to my room.
After some time a note came to me from the office. Niranjanananda Swami the sarvadhikari had sent it. He had written detailed instructions how I should go to katpadi and catch the train coming from madras to go to Bangalore. I went to office and saw him.
” I want to speak to Ramana Maharshi”.
“What do you want to say to him? Give it in writing,”
“No. I won’t give it in writing. I want to have a talk with him”
I spoke to him like that.
He was sitting quietly and doing some office work. I too sat quietly for a long time. Then I asked, “Why, will you not give me permission?” he seemed to be thinking “……An innocent boy….knows nothing…. What could he talk about?” Then he called someone and asked him to take me to the hall. When I entered the hall, Ramana Maharshi was sitting with a smiling face and his legs dangling down. I approached him, did pranam touching his feet and sat before him courageously – with a blank mind. I am a dare devil you know; but I could think of nothing to say! I had no mind to tell him that I had come here to take sannyasa and become a sadhu and all that. What I did was simply to sit quietly. The man who had accompanied me gently told me “pesungo, and pesungo”[ talk, talk]. But I was quiet. Then Ramana Maharshi himself talked to me:
“Nee saadhu aagapore. samayam varudu.Nee ippo pogalam”
[The time is approaching when you will become a sadhu. Now you may go.]
Just two sentences. Just as if I had received his permission, I stood up. After he had spoken, I did not say anything more, but went to straight to the office and offered thirty rupees as a donation. In those days it was a big amount but I had it with me. I also bought two books – Who am I? and a biography of Ramana Maharshi, and also a photo of him. Then I left.
I was reading his biography sitting in the train and discovered that he too, like me had left home with the school fees. When I learnt this I wondered why I also could not become a saint like Ramana Maharshi. Obviously, to become a sadhu, I had to wear a dhoti; so I bought a dhoti – a khaddar chaddar. I had the banian or vest and I imagined that there would be a cave on the hill in which to sit and meditate.
After arriving at Mysore I decided not to carry my baggage any longer but rather to give away my expensive clothes to the beggars. “ What is this?” they asked. “ Why are you giving away all your clothes?” They thought that I had gone mad. I said ‘ These are my own clothes so what is the problem for you to receive them?” By then many people had gathered around me and I thought there was going to be trouble so I got onto the bus. The bus driver and conductor who had been watching me thought I must be son of a celebrity. They gott me some milk, biscuits and plantains. “ Please take them; it is going to be a long journey”. They said. That was al the food I had the whole day. In my younger days I would not skip even a single meal. When I reached Madikerimy porter Rasool was there. Then I what I did………. In spite of having given aways some clothes my suitcase was still half full, so I took out the khaddar dhoti, the two books and the photo, packed them to take with me and sent the suitcase through the porter to the guest house and then I walked away.
It was evening. As I was walking for about an hour and a half it began to get dark. I removed the clothes I was wearing and put on the chaddar, then I walked further four miles. On the right was dense forest. On the left were cultivated fields with people working in them. I left all my clothes on the road. I had some money so I left that too and also my watch ---- everything for someone to pick up. I pushed myself into the dense forest. There I sat under a big tree. The sky was clear….no rain….there was breeze and murmuring sound of leaves. No animals… But I was afraid of snakes which may appear suddenly. It took courage for I knew God is everywhere. He is omniscient and present even in minute particles. I am sitting for God’s sake. Nothing will happen to me, and so I kept up my courage, but I could not sit through the whole night. After about two three hours I would get cramps and have to stand up for a while and so, in this way, the whole night was Shivaratri to me. I could not sleep at all.
After daybreak, I resumed walking. I had not eaten anything except the plantains given to me by the driver. When I had the money I did not eat. Now I was feeling acute hunger and I had had no sleep as well. With the Sun getting warmer I was getting sleepy. Very bad! What to do? There was an orange garden. In Coorg orange trees are more prevalent than coffee, so what I did was, seeing a watchman in the orange garden, I shouted at him, “Kaaka, Kaaka”[ Uncle in Malayalam]. He came closer and seeing me wearing a dhoti he thought I too was a Malayali. He asked” What is the matter?” I told him,” Look , I have not eaten anything since yesterday and am very hungry. Please give some fruits, at least the fallen ones.” It was a big orchard with many fallen fruits. Hegathered some oranges and gave them to me. I took them in my chaddar, got down to the road, sat down under a tree and ate until my stomach was full. Got sleepy…. Slept there for about three hours. After I woke up, I resumed walking.
As I walked on, thought of home haunted me. Father and mother must be worrying. Mother must be crying. Mother must be worrying. Then what I did….. I remembered that Ramana Maharshi had written a letter to his mother. In the same way I too wrote a letter…. In the same style: “in search of my father…etc.” I had no paper so I got some from the wayside tea shop. I wrote the letter and also made an envelope using cooked rice as gum. I wrote my father’s address, but had no stamp, so I wrote on the envelope “ Please affix a stamp and post this letter”. Nearby there was a posh bungalow. I paced the letter on a pillar of he gate and put a stone over it to avoid it being blown away. The window of the house could be seen through the gate and while I was walking away a tall man came from the house to the gate and too the letter. Seeing that letter without stamps and seeing my father’s address on it, he opened the letter and read it as he was related to us. Then he went back and came in his car but even as he passed by me he did not recognize me. He too must have thought I was a Malayali. Not a boy of Kodagu. He went to my home, and found that I was missing. And that it had been advertised in all Kodagu language newspapers. My parents, seeing my letter were hopeful that I must be somewhere nearby and would soon be found.
In the meanwhile, a classmate of mine passing in a bus had recognized me as I was walking along the road, in spite of my changed dress. He shouted, ” he is the missing boy! Catch hold of him” hearing this people on the road caught hold of me. Among them was Kalappa, the managing Director of Coorg Transport Company. He took me to his house. There was an Alsatian dog there. Pointing to it he said, ‘ If you try to run away, he will catch you. Once, when my son-in-law came to visit it bit even him”. He told me this frighten me. That whole day I had a sound sleep in his house.
http://www.arunachala-ramana.org/forum/index.php?topic=2835.0
The next day he took me in his car to my home. My father was sitting majestically, staring at me. My mother seeing me in ochre chaddar [cloth] started crying. As she knew that one day the one who choose the ochre cloth is lost forever to the family, for her own brother had become a sannyasi and joined the Sri RamaKrishna order. I consoled my mother telling her that I would abide by her advice.
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